


The Mannequin

by fragilecapricornpanic



Series: Misc UA [4]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Confused Luther Hargreeves, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, Humor, Hurt Diego Hargreeves, Mentioned Number Five | The Boy, Missing Scene, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, POV Alternating, Season/Series 01, Veteran Klaus Hargreeves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:33:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28440972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilecapricornpanic/pseuds/fragilecapricornpanic
Summary: Missing scene one shot. Set in the car ride home with Ben, Diego, Klaus, and Luther when they’d sped away from the fake briefcase handover in season one. Discussions about Dolores, ice cream trucks, briefcases, and Luther being part ape.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy)
Series: Misc UA [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2077887
Comments: 6
Kudos: 51





	The Mannequin

**Author's Note:**

> The previous fic is set in the ice cream truck, you don’t need to read it to read this though. It takes straight off from the end of the canon scene.
> 
> **Each paragraph (give or take) is from a different brother’s subjective POV btw**

“What happened to Five?!” Diego groaned in agony after being shoved into dad’s old car... that Luther had apparently claimed. They really needed to discuss the matter of dad’s will. That inherent court case should be dramatic, Vanya could write a book about it. 

What _did_ happen to Five? Luther would like to know that too. Hopefully he wouldn’t be gone for another sixteen years, they had important things to do. “I- I don’t know, he’s kinda-“ Luther whistled a cuckoo noise, driving as fast as he possibly could. He hoped he wasn’t going to damage dad’s car, that would make him feel terribly guilty. “I mean, his mannequin alone...” Luther muttered more to himself than his brothers, still struggling to comprehend what the dynamic was between Five and that thing. 

“Oh, that thing’s his? I thought it came with his van.” Klaus replied, looking between Luther and Diego. It seemed Diego already knew this, making Klaus feel late to the party. That must’ve been what they were doing whilst nobody noticed Klaus was missing. Great.

“You thought the _plumbing_ van came with half a manne-“ Luther stopped himself, having more important questions he needed to ask. “Why the hell were you guys in an ice cream truck, and what happened to him?” Luther looked through the rear view mirror at Diego, concerned about his injury. He didn’t look well, neither did Klaus for that matter. Being kidnapped by assassins would do that to you. They probably should’ve noticed that he was missing slightly earlier... 

Luther needed to fix his goddamn priorities, in Klaus’ opinion. “None of that matters!” Klaus gestured shoving away Luther’s trivial questions, needing to focus on the main issue. “Is Five banging the mannequin?!” Klaus’ question made all three of his brothers groan with disgust, as if they weren’t all thinking it too. Five was alone for a long-ass time, desperate times call for desperate measures!

“They shot at me and messed with my car, so we stole the truck.” Diego explained to Luther, pretending Klaus hadn’t said that. Luther pulled an expression of relief due to the subject being changed, which then turned to worry. It was unnerving to see him evidently concerned about Diego’s wellbeing, bearing in mind their rivalry. Mom wasn’t there to help them anymore... something that hurt Diego much more than the bullet wound. He hated himself for killing her, she never even got to finish her last sentence. 

Mom was gone, but the academy still had an infirmary and they all had basic medical training. Now that they’d unquestionably lost Hazel and ChaCha, Luther stopped driving at such an insane speed. “I said he must be horny as hell, and he said he’d been with this broad for like thirty years...” Klaus thought aloud, sounding like he was trying to crack the enigma code. They all could surmise that Five was in a relationship with a mannequin, they didn’t need it spelled out. “Where did he even get it?!” 

“I can take a guess.” Diego felt completely certain that the shoot out in the department store had taken place there because Five was stealing a mannequin, like a little psychopath. Both Klaus and Luther eagerly looked at him, engrossed by this mystery. “There was a shoot out at Gimbel Brothers like a day after Five showed up.” Diego croakily mumbled, tempted to ask Klaus for some pain relief. That would look pretty hypocritical after his little lecture earlier, Diego was regretting it now that he was in searing pain.

This was enthralling... yet Luther was still hung up on the ice cream truck. It would’ve been an odd choice of vehicle in any case, but Klaus being unable to drive had made their entrance so much weirder. “Did you hit anybody with the ice cream truck?” Luther nervously questioned, surprised they hadn’t been pulled over. Ice cream men were precisely the profession that shouldn’t be driving drunk, or without knowing how to drive to begin with.

“Yeah, like ten kids. Didn’t you see the blood?” Klaus sarcastically answered, amused that Luther had even asked. Klaus would’ve definitely mentioned running somebody over by this point in the conversation if that were the case. Possibly not though, the mannequin thing had been kind of distracting. Very distracting. Why would Five vanish again when they needed him to explain himself?! Little shit.

Forget looking like a hypocrite, Diego had pain that needed relieving. That was the entire point of those goddamn things, he’d be taking a pill for its intended purpose. Unlike Klaus. “Hey, Klaus... Ca-“

“Nope, they’re all mine!” Klaus instantly shut that idea down, incredibly worried about Diego liking how they felt. The last thing this family needed was more junkies. That being said, Klaus wondered whether Luther was secretly on steroids. He was the size of a bear, it shouldn’t be humanly possible. “I forgot how big you are...” Klaus whispered with amazement, having not seen Luther for ten months. He’d began to think his memories were exaggerated.

It had literally been a couple of days since Klaus saw Luther, that comment was just ridiculous. This topic was funny though, Diego loved it. “Well yeah, he’s a monkey.” Diego began to laugh at his own joke, though that movement only intensified the pain he was experiencing - like an act of karma. Klaus practically jumped over the seat to face Diego, eyes wide with bewilderment. “Oh shit, you weren’t there...” Diego drawled, making Klaus almost froth at the mouth with anticipation for this bombshell. Klaus thrived on gossip. Screw him, he wouldn’t give Diego one measly painkiller.

This suspense was cruel, Diego knew how much Klaus loved gossip! “He’s a monkey?!” Klaus gave up with Diego’s vindictive evasiveness, turning back to Luther instead. “You’re a monkey?!” How much had happened in the time those guys had had Klaus in the motel room? First Five introduced the family to his mannequin girlfriend, and now Luther’s a monkey! By the confused look on Ben’s face, he’d missed this latest development too.

There was a distinction between a monkey and an ape, and Luther knew Diego was purposefully not respecting it. “An _ape_.” Luther vehemently corrected, forgetting to mention that he wasn’t entirely an ape. He was still mostly a human. “No, wait, I’m a human!” Luther spluttered, rolling his eyes at his own stupidity. Why did he call himself an ape? He’d spent years trying to convince himself the contrary.

“What the hell does that mean?!” Klaus yelled in frustration. Was he an ape or not?!

“Well that’s a contradiction!” Ben exclaimed over him. This family was getting stranger at a disturbingly high speed. Five returning as an old man with a kid’s appearance was bizarre enough, but this was even more absurd. That was all in the space of less than a week. God knows what would be next. 

Today had been painful as all hell for Diego, this conversation made up for it though. He’d never gotten to finish his ape jokes yesterday, Pogo had interrupted. “I’m a human, but... dad injected me with ape DNA. It’s a long story.” Luther vaguely summed things up before bashfully clearing his throat and turning on the radio. Man, Luther had ended all of Diego’s entertainment. If it weren’t for the bullet wound, Diego would turn the radio off himself. It seemed inevitable that Klaus would do that anyway within the next ten seconds.

Klaus couldn’t believe this shit, he’d missed all of the exciting updates whilst he was away. Surely nothing else as mind blowing could happen this week, this had to be the limit. There were so many questions racing through Klaus’ mind at a million miles a minute, he had to turn the radio off. “...Do you have a tail?” 

“Apes don’t have tails.” Ben remarked, irritated that Klaus couldn’t use Pogo as a point of reference. He should really know this fact regardless, he’s thirty years old.

“Do I look like I have a tail?! Do you see a tail?!” Luther snapped, getting ticked off by this conversation. Apes didn’t have tails. They grew up with a chimpanzee, this should be common knowledge amongst the Hargreeves.

“Shit... you have a tail, don’t you?” Diego stupidly murmured, miraculously garnering the strength to sit on the edge of his seat. Ben was disappointed but not surprised that he didn’t know apes were tailless either. Klaus enthusiastically nodded at Diego, as if Ben hadn’t just told him he was absolutely wrong. Did Klaus and Diego take it in turns to share one malfunctioning brain cell? It was remarkable that they’d made it out of that ice cream truck alive.

This was like being thirteen all over again, Luther longed to be isolated on the moon rather than with these idiots. “Did you specifically say _horny_ when you were talking to Five?” Luther addressed Klaus, purely to get them to stop talking about Luther having a goddamn tail. Klaus slowly nodded, confused by the randomness of that question. Which was rich, Luther was still disturbed by the unprompted chocolate pudding story. “You didn’t just say... lonely, or something?” Luther asked, needing to know the precise wording of this conversation. Klaus looked over his shoulder at the empty seat and then confirmed that he’d said horny. “Then he’s banging the mannequin.” Luther asserted, causing groans of disgust like earlier. 

“Do we need to like, hold an intervention?” Klaus had been to enough of them, it would be nice to host one for once.

It was undeniably unhinged, but Five wasn’t hurting anybody. “Nah, let him bang the mannequin.” Diego drawled, unsure if this chat was all imagined due to the immense pain. He certainly wanted that to be the case. Thankfully they were a stones throw from the academy now, if this experience was genuinely taking place in reality. This had to be the peak of the Hargreeves family weirdness.

“Whilst we’re admitting shit, I just got back from 1968 after a trip in a time travelling briefcase.” Damn it, Diego was already proven wrong. Sort of. That statement was undoubtedly a lie, Klaus wasn’t the most reliable person and his claim was straight up ludicrous. This shit was exactly why nobody believed Klaus about anything. Apart from the battery licking incident, their siblings infuriatingly decided to believe him about that one single thing. Only Two and Four were there, Diego wished the story had stayed between them. It was goddamn embarrassing. “Bullshit!” Diego scoffed.

Ordinarily Luther would agree, and he would now too had it not been for Five telling him that such briefcases existed. It was definitely strange that Klaus had used one, however everything about him was strange; this would be in character. “No, he’s telling the truth... I think.” Luther hazarded a guess, though he was still having difficulty believing Klaus. He was _Klaus._ They parked up outside the academy, and Luther and Klaus made their way over to assist Diego out of the car. “I have super strength.” Luther reminded Klaus, not needing his help in the slightest.

“Yeah, but he hates you.” That was true... Luther shrugged and opened the car’s backdoor, agreeing that Diego would want Klaus to _”help”._

To be honest, Diego couldn’t give a shit who helped him out of the car. Dad could come back as a zombie and do it, all Diego could think about was the time travelling briefcase. This car ride wasn’t real, Diego made his mind up. He probably died in the goddamn ice cream truck.

**Author's Note:**

> I always love that “Confused Luther Hargreeves” is a tag


End file.
